what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize