Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
two words: eviction party
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
