So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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