so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
