no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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