I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
