We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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