Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
why do cheetos always look like penises
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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