it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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