I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
