I'm gonna have a badass scar
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
