i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize