Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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