I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
