so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
