I bet he comes in French.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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