The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
only you would photoshop your dick
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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