woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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