His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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