Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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