he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
