I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
