Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
