Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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