My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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