Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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