It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
