Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
