Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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