I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
