i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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