Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
