Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
