His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
