ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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