The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
