I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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