Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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