I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
