Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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