Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
