He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
