he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
