Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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