i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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