I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I touched a dick in church today
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
