my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
