she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she told me i tasted like america
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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