I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize