mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
