im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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