hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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