at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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