there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
