I wish my penis had an off switch
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
