don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
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